hc bingo: scars

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Are There Any Artists At Marvel Who Can Draw A Pig

i don't normally have anything to do with carvel momics. i was curious about the incongruous cartoon pig voiced by john mulaney and i fell down a helluva rabbit hole.

this post has been languishing in my tumblr drafts since i first wrote it, i wasn't bold enough to publish and reveal Just How Many Comics i had read in,, , less than a month; but i have no other content to offer and i think spiderverse actually came out today so sure! fine!
i'm not going to waste upload space on this unless i have to, let me know if the images break and i'll fix
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• it’s not a simpsons joke this is genuinely from, like, the 80s
• this stylization is .. it’s not for me, but i can respect it
• his snout is so long and it just looks like it ought to be able to telescope out longer. nyoop

look at him out of costume (and at this complete non-joke that i still think is funny) yes, his ears are always that huge and extremely weird. also everyone's lower jaws are always doing their level best to sidle off their faces

 

sometimes… it gets worse. there’s one issue in the middle of the series where everyone, including children, is inexplicably drawn like THIS

• UNFORTUNATE
• overall? 5/10

i’m not actually done with the 80s though:

peter the spider

• an ordinary spider, before he was bitten by a radioactive pig
• by rights i should deduct points because this isn’t visibly a spider at all except by number of limbs
• he just looks like a muppet whose designer got overzealous
• this however fails to take into account one important fact:
• i love him 11/10

the amazing spider-man (2014)

• looks.. not great, but basically fine overall. sometimes his forehead is huge like this and devours his ears and eyes
• unfortunately the big climactic plot point requires him to get naked and impersonate a baby that the immortal universe-jumping spiderman-eating vampires are trying to use in a ritual
• (comic books r weird but this is not news)
• and with his suit off he looks like THIS

• are you SURE this is the same character
• these two pics are from the same goddamn issue you cant draw him all sleek and cartoonishly stylized and then give him digitigrade legs and human hair and biceps and saggy pecs
• you CAN’T. 3/10

spider-verse team-up

• i really like when they treat spider-ham as a weird cartoon but you can't draw him even this realistically if you want him to use cartoon physics! You Can't Have Both Ways!
• what is that on his chest anyway cause it ain't a spider
• sometimes he looks okay but when he shrugs there’s just like
• just a little too much suggestion of musculature…
• too much squish around the mouth
• he unsettles me
• 4/10

web warriors

• i’m weirdly alright with this one. i appreciate that he’s a squashy little gremlin. he shouldn’t ever be gangly, i think
• sometimes he gets fucky and off-model but it’s in the correct direction, you know? it’s trending towards “cartoony” instead of “disastrous human anatomy on a pig”
• unfortunately i think this was the continuity where lacking any better jokes the writers just made him the kind of absolute dillweed who responds to any possible criticism with “what, are you RACIST against PIGS”
• the spider-verse crossovers seem to generally just make him a bitter jerk cause i guess it’s funny when a cartoon is cynical
• 8/10 for design 2/10 for personality

spider-verse ii

• i accidentally read this one first and it didn’t make sense at the time
• it still doesn’t lmao
• also spider-ham looks BAD
• why is his nose like that. why are his ears like that
• why is his MOUTH like that
• he has a nude scene again

• it’s like the artists learned exactly the wrong things from last time he was nude because now he’s smoothed out a lot but he’s still got enough realistic details that this might actually be worse
• he’s got tiny little individual features and there’s just no continuity between them
• seriously who looked at the realistic human teeth drifting aimlessly across his smooth round face and thought it would be fine
• 1/10 i hate this

ultimate FF

 

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaughhhhhhh

• pull the trigger piglet/10

spider-gwen volume II

• he’s only here for like this one-panel goof but im kind of into his weird little hoof hands
• lord, the ears though
• wait, i tell a lie, there’s an alternate-universe him later on? with more fingers.

• augh theyre always giving him human eyes
• and that SNOOT
• in this universe he’s older and he’s got kids that appear to just be regular pigs which i really really don’t want to think about
• the most realistic pig of them all, in general
• 7/10. he really shouldn’t be this realistic but i can find few actual faults with him

lockjaw

• i’ll be honest fellas i had no clue what went on in this one, like less than usual. there were dogs
• but spider-ham has a decent role, isn’t a dillweed, and is competently drawn
• i know i just said i have no idea what it was ultimately about but if you were gonna read only one thing with spider-ham in it i think i would honestly tell you to read this. it's only like 4 issues
• i have no complaints 10/10

into the spiderverse

• A GOOD BOY
• a moist boy????
• a lovingly animated boy
• a john mulaney kinda boy
• if you watch for it his snoot eyes emote and blink. keep it up!
• okay, i dont LOVE some of the pieces of this design (the neck + cheek region, mostly) but it all melts away when i see it in motion honestly
• 10/10 i cannot WAIT to see this little man in action

i haven't seen the movie yet and i'm probably not going to be able to for about a week! i know it's good don't spoil me too much bls..

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